PROOF! Obama Not a Kenyan!

Right parents? Check. Right birthday? Check. Right place? Check. Right baby? Check. Case closed.

What a relief! Our president has finally silenced the birthers by producing his original, long-form birth certificate from Hawaii. He is NOT an alien!

President Obama called a surprise press conference this morning to take down the conspiracy buffs once and for all. He also went out of his way to give the doubters a mild whack upside the head.

Quoth Obama:  “I know that there is going to be a segment of people for which no matter what we put out, this issue will not be put to rest. But I am speaking for the vast majority of the American people as well as for the press. We do not have time for this kind of silliness. We have better stuff to do. I have got better stuff to do. We have got big problems to solve.”

He added, “We are not going to be able to do it if we are distracted, we are not going to be able to do it if we spend time vilifying each other … if we just make stuff up and pretend that facts are not facts, we are not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by side shows and carnival barkers.”

Well said. Now the president will merely have to contend with an unwinnable war in Afghanistan, a stratospheric federal deficit, the lingering recession, the Mexican border, viral unrest in the Middle East, lobbyists, hyperpartisanship in Congress, Wall Street excesses, mass foreclosures, the impending eclipse of the U.S. economy by China, and (of course) whether he really deserved to get accepted at Columbia with his allegedly so-so grades from Occidental.

Please don’t ever ask me to run for President (not that anyone is beating down my door at the moment).