The Conservative’s Utopia
Come with me now, while we step into the right-wing version of earthly paradise. The elite right and the populist right will dream slightly different dreams, naturally, but their Utopia is still unmistakable. As with The Leftist’s Utopia, you’ll encounter some deliberate exaggerations here for the sake of our amusement.
The Conservative’s Utopia.
Everyone is white, except for those amiable minority folk who smile broadly and help with the chores. Everyone is Christian, except for those funny, kind-hearted Jews who teach your children, measure you for a suit or own the corner drugstore. There are no Muslims. Everyone believes in God, reads the Bible and worships together on the Sabbath. All movies are G-rated and the museums actually feature pretty art. Mom stays home with her 2.4 kids, nobody is gay and everyone is happy.
Children grow up respecting their elders, using clean language and living clean lives, dressing neatly, drinking nothing stronger than Cherry Coke and avoiding sex until marriage. They learn optimism and discipline at an early age, all the better to equip them for the competititve challenges of our glorious free-enterprise system.
Everyone here has the opportunity to succeed handsomely through education and hard work. Granted, some schools are a lot more prestigious than others… and the prestigious ones generally cost a lot more. And granted, some careers pay a few hundred times more than others even though they’re not especially difficult or honorable. But success in one’s chosen field is all that matters. If you have to exploit underpaid employees and beat down the competition to succeed, well… that’s the American way.
America is a melting pot, of course: the hardworking immigrants who arrive on these shores quickly learn English and adopt American customs. Eventually they’re indistinguishable from the “real” Americans who first settled this great land (we mean the Pilgrims, not the Indians). All of them, regardless of race, creed or football team preference, can aspire to the American Dream: success, wealth and a surplus of material possessions.
America! Golden land of opportunity! The sight of marching veterans and the stirring sound of a Sousa march still bring tears to the starry eyes of patriots who watch the local Fourth of July parade on Main Street. America, always victorious in war and generous in peace, is the envy of the world: a land of boundless wealth, freedom and potential, a democratic republic that has always honored the egalitarian ideals of its Founding Fathers. In short, everyone here feels fortunate to be living in the greatest nation ever designed by the hand of man. Yep, we’re better than France.