Righty: The Good Lord counseled us to “be fruitful and multiply,” and His wisdom is good enough for me. Birth control is an unnatural disruption of the human life cycle. Even worse, I think it’s a symptom of cultural narcissism: snooty urban yuppies don’t want anything as depressingly mundane as babies to keep them from dining out at their fancy restaurants. Look at what’s happening in Western Europe, where the native populations are surrendering their future to the hordes of Muslims who reproduce like fruitflies in their midst. And why? Because Europeans are so enamored of their cushy lifestyles that they’ve balked at the strenuous task of raising offspring. Listen up, America! I see the same pattern emerging here, among our own middle class. Get busy and start reproducing — unless, of course, you’re comfortable with the idea of living in the Estados Unidos thirty years from now. But what do you care? Your children won’t have to live there — because YOU WON’T HAVE ANY!
Lefty: Whoa there, Righty! Your racism is exceeded only by your chronic ignorance. Having children should be a matter of personal choice, and optional birth control is the most effective means to that end. Furthermore, your stance on birth control (and the Catholic Church’s, for that matter) should win some kind of award for environmental irresponsibility. How can you continue to fight birth control when this overcrowded planet will be running out of resources before the end of this century? Forget about white Americans and Europeans versus Muslims and Hispanics. The issue is whether our primitive biological need to create more and more people in our image is going to lead us to a nightmare scenario of famines, global deforestation and mass extinctions. And who’s going to suffer most? Precisely the people you fear and despise, Righty: Hispanics, Muslims and other Third-World peoples whose expanding populations will soon overwhelm the earth’s ability to support them. The Church, especially, deserves to be excommunicated from the human community for its willfully reactionary, disastrous and ultimately evil (yes, evil!) prohibition of simple birth control methods that could save our planet from ruin.
The New Moderate:
Such intense heat emanating from the right and left can mean only one thing: the answer lies in the middle. The New Moderate believes, with Lefty, that the Church has no divine right to prohibit a practice that was never mentioned, let alone condemned, in the Bible. (And don’t quote us the story about Onan and his seed; if you’re going to adhere to the literal dictates of every Bible verse, you’re also required to stone the nearest adulterer and renounce pork forever.) The Church must wake up and see that unlimited human reproduction is going to severely compromise the quality of life on this smallish planet of ours.
That said, we also share Righty’s concern that the middle classes of Europe and America are going to contracept themselves into extinction if they don’t show a little more enthusiasm for procreating. Having a kid is the ultimate life-affirming gesture. The creation and nurturing of a unique little person is one of life’s most richly rewarding pursuits, even if it tends to crowd out the occasional restaurant meal or midnight movie.
The moderate solution, simply stated: poor people around the world need to start using birth control; middle-class people need to use it a little less. Of course our solution sounds racist, classist and all that (go ahead, Lefty; heap your infamy upon us!). But we’re merely attempting to create some needed balance: a little more restraint from those who are currently overpopulating their lands to their own detriment, and a little more lusty abandon on the part of the fading bourgeoisie, whose continued presence is vital to the survival of Western civilization (or what’s left of it).
Summary: Poor people need to practice birth control more; middle class people need to practice it less.