NMod Hit List

The New Moderate’s Hit List

A roster of extremists and other wanton contributors to social discord.

Don’t worry, we’re not planning to take out any of our adversaries. We even respect their right to their opinions. But we reserve the right to chastise them for escalating the general rancor in our culture. 

• Abe Foxman and the Anti-Defamation League – A little too eager to brand renegade thinkers as anti-Semites… a little too hypocritical when they collaborated with the Turkish government to suppress recognition of the Armenian genocide.
• academic Marxists – If you’re a scholar at a major university, you dispute their beliefs at your own peril. A blight on academia for the last half century.
• Affirmative Action – They don’t dare call it “reverse discrimination.”
• Al Franken – Smart, brash, funny and obnoxious. Naturally, anyone who disagrees with him is a big, fat idiot.
• al-Qaeda – Fanatical assassins whose primary victims are the impressionable Muslim boys who  join their ranks.
• Ann Coulter -  Argumentative, self-intoxicated, long-legged right-wing  pundit and pin-up girl.
• bilingualism in the U.S. – Did anyone ask us to vote on whether we wanted Spanish as our second lanaguage? Well,  here it is anyway.
• Bill O’Reilly - “Fair and balanced” the way fool’s gold is gold.
• celebrities as aristocracy – They might live in palaces, but they’re really selfless liberals at heart… right?
• CEO incomes – Sorry, but not even God deserves to earn 100 times more than the president of the United States.
• Democrats - Former friends to burly white laboring men; now the party of well-heeled women, gays and people of color. Go figure.
• Dick Cheney – The malignant tumor that killed the Bush presidency.
• euphemisms – Proof that you can put lipstick on a pig and convince the people that it’s not a pig.
• extreme feminists – They hate men, they hate femininity, and they never shut up.
• [fill in the blank] Studies departments – Propaganda mills of, by and for special-interest fanatics who simply want to confirm their prejudices for academic credit.
• Frank Rich – Ex-drama critic turned liberal drama queen during the Bush years. Now recovering his equilibrium; I might even de-list him if he continues to produce insightful columns that transcend partisan agendas.
• gangsta rap – Sure, let’s glorify pimps, thugs and everything else that’s wrong with ghetto life.
• George W. Bush – ‘Nuff said.
• Glenn Beck – Formerly a funny and insightful radio and TV personality, he quickly morphed into a rabid right-wing demagogue after Obama won the presidency.
• golden parachutes – Massive fortunes as a reward for massive incompetence.
• guns – Of course we shouldn’t ban them; maybe we need to ban bullets instead.
• Hamas – Anti-Israel terrorists enshrined as government potentates by the Palestinian people.
• Hezbollah - Anti-Israel terrorists who’d like to be enshrined as government potentates in Israel.
• Holocaust denial – A posthumous slap in the face for the victims of a colossal hate crime.
• Holocaust denial regarded as a crime - A slap in the face of free speech.
• HuffPost – Official organ of the Hollywood left.
• Hugo Chavez – Hey, somebody needed to be the new Castro.
• ideologues - Obscure humorless zealots who fulfill themselves by regurgitating the ideas of famous humorless zealots.
• illegal immigrants – They don’t speak English. They don’t pay taxes. But they know how to multiply.
• Iranian government – The brutal medieval overlords of a modern Islamic people.
• Islamic Europe – A nightmarish house of the future dominated by guests who won’t leave.
• jihadists – They just need to take up a nice hobby, like stamp collecting.
• Keith Olbermann – Self-important liberal MSNBC TV pundit who seems to believe he’s more “fair and balanced” than those “fair and balanced” conservative pundits on Fox.
• liberal elitists — A clan of “progressives” who typically send their kids to private school so they won’t have to consort with the offspring of unwashed conservative riff-raff.
• libertarians – Superior people shouldn’t have to abide by everyone else’s rules, right?
• lingering racism – Why you see so few black faces at the dinner parties thrown by white liberals.
• lobbyists - Political pimps who lead our congressmen to perdition.
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - Makes George W. Bush look like a model of moderation, intellect and refinement. Maybe that’s why the Bush administration tolerated his regime.
• moderate Muslims – Why pick on the moderates? Only for their deafening silence. Get a voice, my friends – we need to hear from you!
• Noam Chomsky - What part of “3000 innocent 9/11 victims” didn’t you understand, Prof. Smartypants?
• oil interests – Who’d have guessed, 150 years ago, that our government would someday be plunging us into wars to defend underground deposits of flammable grease?
• Osama bin Laden – How different the world might be if only he had  taken an interest in the family business; today he could have been building shopping malls in the suburbs of Mecca.
• Patriot Act – Orwell would have enjoyed a grim chuckle over this warped euphemism.
• political correctness – Liberals trying hard not to offend anyone except believers in free speech.
• preemptive war – Do unto others as you suspect they might eventually do unto you if you don’t do it unto them first. Or something like that.
• pro-choice fanatics – Hey, dummies… abortion is an ethical issue, not a women’s rights issue.
• pro-life fanatics – Hey, dummies… abortion is an ethical issue, not a religious issue.
• quotas – Let me get this straight: if blacks make up 13% of the U.S. population, does that mean the NBA has to be 13% black?
• reparations for African Americans - I thought we  fought a bloody Civil War to atone for slavery. Not good enough? Well, then… do folks who never owned slaves really owe folks who never served as slaves? Still not good enough? OK, if I give you my money, will you stop hating me?
• Republicans – In your heart, you know they’re reactionaries.
• Rev. Al Sharpton – Never misses an opportunity to play the race card or show off his coiffure.
• Richard Dawkins – Thinks all believers are idiots… but what does God think of him?
• Rush Limbaugh – Supreme bloviator of right-wing radio.
• Sean Hannity – Just your typical chatty Irish-American neighbor with an 8-figure income.
• subprime mortgages – The fatal crack in the great dam of capitalism.
• suppression of free speech – A tool used by authoritarian regimes to quash dissent, as practiced in Russia, China and American universities.
• terrorists - Murdering  innocent people really wins public sympathy for your cause, doesn’t it?
• the Taliban – Father Knows Best, Muslim-style.
• The Weekly Standard – Why not give it a more descriptive name, like The Neocon Bible?
• the world since 2001 – Makes the Great Depression look like a Sunday picnic.
• unions - Catalyst for change in the annals of labor. The most recent change: over-the-top wage demands that drove U.S. businesses to ship all their manufacturing jobs overseas.
• Vladimir Putin – Looks as if he could twist the head off a live chicken without batting his eyelashes.
• Wall Street bankers – Let’s all give them a round of applause before we set fire to their mansions.

Copyright 2009 by Rick Bayan.